"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
- Ephesians 4:2
Small sticks stacked on top of each other: “He refuses to make the bed”, “He leaves his clothes and shoes everywhere but the closet and laundry basket” combined with larger logs such as, “He takes his sweet time doing house projects” or “He spends most of his free time ignoring me and playing video games” ignite by sparks such as “He doesn’t want to spend time with me” or “He doesn’t value what I do as a homemaker because I do not earn an income” rages into a fire ready to fry connection into ashes. This giant blaze burning marriages: RESENTMENT. Resentment, defined as “a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury” by Miriam-Weber dictionary harms relationships.
3 Rs to reduce resentment in your relationship
RECOGNIZE : Name the resenting thoughts especially those that ignite the anger flame, as LIES. The TRUTH: Your partner does a lot for your family, and loves you and values your contribution to the household . For Christian believers, this lie naming is known as: name the Serpent (also known as call out Satan, but I prefer the imagery of a sneaking slippery serpent whispering lies into your ear). The Enemy, (oh Spiritual warfare is real) hates the covenant of marriage that produces life (quite literally with babies). For the Accuser inflects disunity because of God’s plan of unity: “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:6). So name the rift of resentment as an attack on the relationship!
REFLECT: After releasing the resentment by recognizing the lies that spark anger, reflecting on how your sponsor/person/partner blesses you specifically. Gratitude fixes bad attitudes so I often response to resentment with: “I love how my husband cooks me breakfast and dinner (sometimes lunch) regularly”, “I love watching him play tackle and tickle with our boys with such gleeful laugher” or “I love how I can always count on him to pull through with fixing our home or giving me my much craved words of affirmation (tough for him as a busy man with not a lot of words), “I love how attractive I find him with his dark and intelligent eyes.” Gratitude calms the smoking fury of resentment. “Give thanks in circumstances; for this: the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” - 1 Thessalonians 5:18
RECONCILIATION: Both by connecting with the spouse through some sort of fun activity (TV show, walking, cuddling or more physical intimacy) and by confessing to a trusted friend or priest the sticks and sparks fueling resentment. When we bring ourselves before God, honestly telling our frustrations, grace pours into our souls quenching the roaring fire of resentment. “Be patient with one another. If any one has a complaint against another, forgive that one. Christ forgave you. So you should forgive each other.” - Colossians 3:13-15
BONUS: R- RECONNECT, especially sexually. By physically connecting in that holy union of “knowing each other” in the biblical sense, a reset of “I am his and he is mine” occurs. Plus an excellent stress reliever (make-up sex so good).
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’So they are no longer two, but one flesh.”- Mark 10: 6-9
So with recognition, reflection, and reconciliation (also reconnection) may the wildfire of resentment be quenched by the waters of a heart cooled by disassociating thoughts, gratitude and confession (also sex).
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