“We’re flattening the curve” the battle cry of our laws and media as most American families stay home and away. Schools, malls, sporting events, concerts, weddings, hell even churches are closed: a huge dip towards sorrowful isolation. Our needs to work, take care of our loved ones, rest, social and find peace remains internally intake despite the external shifts.
For the first several weeks of quarantine I sunk under the weight of fear. Anger: at the further confinement in my already confined life as the primary caregiver of a small energetic human, scared about catching the dreaded COVID-19 disease. Anxiety about the health and future for my son. Sorrow at the suffering of physical disease, hunger and emotional of separation from loved ones. I am sure that the weaning of my one year old greatly pulled down the heaviest of my emotions because mommas endure hormonal imbalances during pregnancy, postpartum and weaning (not to mention menopause down the road). Then, over the last two weeks the scales shifted to a lighter load through the strong principals of surrender and acceptance. I surrendered my false sense of control of whether or not I or my family becomes ill and accepted my even more isolated existence. Now, more evenly scaled with sorrow and joy , I sought to seek a normal balance.
Balance means being unbalanced. Externally, this means some days are full of more work then play. Initially, I berated myself for eating too many sweets, not paying attention to my son enough, and not working out enough. Lately, I’ve let myself shift from motivation to relaxation. Listening to myself. If I am tired from a bad’s night rest, I allocate space for less work, more outside time and a sweet treat to lift my spirits. On a more motivated day, I achieve more exercise, creating and checking off the to do list. I even broke my initial momma rule and watch T.V with my husband while watching our son in the evenings. Mom guilt weighed down this practice, yet a mental break of a competitive cooking show provides relief from the juggle of online teaching, caretaking, cleaning, cooking and exercising. Also, my parenting pedagogy believes that my children are in my life but aren’t my life. So, I exercise, clean and pray with my child with thirty minute intervals of quality focused play. The flow of give and take to sustain myself and my son fairly evenly. Scheduling with flexibility and goals means balance as the scales constantly shift.
Internally, balance means riding out the giant waves of emotion from anxiety to sorrow to joy without self-deprecation or harsh judgement. At first, I failed to acknowledge my own sense of loss that social distancing caused because I felt to blessed to complain. After all, quarantined life meant not too little change for my family with both my husband and I already working from home. However, after three weeks of missing Mass, Momma Bible study, weekly library trips, game nights with friends, and Sunday evening visits from my parents, I grew so angry. My fury unleashed a Saturday evening when park trails were closed. Such resentment welled up in me, left unfelt suddenly bursted. So, I let anger, sadness, and anxiety weigh down my mental load. Felt, acknowledged, then released without the shame of “I’m so lucky, I can’t allow myself to feel this way!” Like my body that may be weary some days and motivated others, my mind terries from sorrow to joy. Emotions must be felt and reflected on but not wallowed in. This lead to a more harmonious internal thought pattern in me of weighing but not carrying emotions.
Feeling unbalanced? Ride the dips momma, with grace in these heavy times! In tune to your own burdens both external and internal, then you shift the scales towards a daily, well really weekly balance.
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