When writing papers and when I teach English Language Arts, the concept of “main idea” or thesis is essential. Who remembers the classic five paragraph paper with a beginning and conclusion sentence (that OREO acronym for all those elementary teachers out there!)? Well, why not give my New Year a main idea? So I picked a word, well honestly, God placed a word on my heart and I am learning how to draw conclusions physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
My thesis: SURRENDER
As a type A motivated control-freak, I don’t like this word, but like a new exercise plan, this term is vital for my health this New Year. Plus my therapist likes the word for me, which gives me a bittersweet affirmation. So deep breaths and deeper moans, okay Lord- SURRENDER. May my fear of the unknown transform into the excitement of the unseen adventure. .
SURRENDER Physically: I am not in control of my son’s development nor my own postpartum recovery. At his 9 month appointment his measurements read 94% on weight but 30% on height. So I’ve done my part with feeding, and now need to watch him grow. Worrying about my son’s breathing (what if I lose him?) and about my son’s sleeping (what if he wakes up frequently and I lose sleep?), preoccupies my thoughts. So I surrender my fears to the One who gave him breathe every I lay him down to sleep, and let go of my sense of schedule, I am a mother 24/7 in the most unpredictable moments. In regards to my own body, I am surrendering my insecurities about my large weight gain- daring myself to feel beautiful despite the 20 extra pounds. Yes, of course I am resolved to eat better and move more, but I must surrender any vanity and the embrace of beauty despite my size.
SURRENDER Emotionally: The truth about newlyweds who just had a baby: lots of fighting. In marriage we vow to sacrifice ourselves for our partners. In motherhood we sacrifice ourselves for our children. Thus with the double whammy of losing ourselves over the last year, my hubby and I bicker- about little things like arranging food items in the pantry and argue about big issues like feelings of misunderstanding through a lack of communication. This rift in the hurricane of big changes sometimes feels unsurpassable, so I surrender our marriage. I pray for my husband, seek out more bonding moments like walks and crossword puzzles (yes we are an old young couple). But my reality is I cannot control my husband’s behavior and help him adjust to the lack of down-time his introverted self needs, but I can trust him to act, surrender my tendency to nag.
SURRENDER Mentally: Since my older sister’s death by suicide, my desire to know the ending- a happy ending causes anxiety. Will my family and I be okay? Will the suffering of life divide us completely? Will my mind suffer like my sister with bipolar disorder? Will God be enough at the darkest hour? This grief of her gone-ness adds to my mental load of a new momma preoccupied with keeping baby alive. So surrender the conclusions. My decisions reach the next challenge in front of me, not navigating horizons I may not ever see. So in 2020, I strive to surrender what my mind cannot comprehend, especially in regards to Carolyn Louise Tye’s ending.
SURRENDER Spiritually: In the most adult period of my experienced 25 years, my soul cries out as a child. A wife, mother, friend, and teacher, I feel more weight to provide everything for my loved ones. Yet, in my Father’s presence I provide nothing. I am called to child-like faith again- surrender by trusting in His provision. This practically looks like our finances. Right now, I am teaching English part time online which is fiscally beneficial only if I earn a certain amount monthly. But in a client-consultant set up, I can not control how many students book me. So again, I look to my Father to provide the means to be where he wants me. Trusting in his provision externally and internally. As part of that intentional internal provision, I pray for a fruit of the spirit ( love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control) or a gift of the Spirit ( wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord). This, I strive to surrender my adult sufficiency for child dependency.
SURRENDER: To trust The Author Of my Days to write a really good plot and ending. So maybe finding and focusing on your main idea will give new chapter 2020 vision!
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