Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm, and I’ll be my sister’s keeper so the whole world we know that we are not alone.
- Matt Maher
Storms create sublime paintings- not the easy gentle beautifully harmonious pastural scene- but the kind of image that strikes awesome fear into your soul. Though we’ve hit the obnoxiously humid heat of August in Georgia, I am feeling chills as an unspeakable storm struck my soul.
At the end of June I preLord my heart to break as I started a new job and suffered lost time with my precious son. Now, a month into my new job as a three year old teacher, I’m full of gratitude that I still breastfeed baby twice during my workday.
My soul-crushing heartbreak started in mid-July, not from starting work , but from my older sister’s death by suicide. Since this blog is intended to focus on the beautiful mess of motherhood, I don’t really desire to get into a nitty-gritty analysis of why or how she resorted to such a horrific act. Instead, I‘m concentrated on mothering through the storms of loss: loss of a love one and even loss of sacred baby time.
In the high contrast of extreme weather like lightening striking off of dark clouds, everything appears black and white. Thus with big losses comes little gains. My sister’s dramatic and swift death teaches me to simply and slowly live.
In my profession, I’ve adapted a big mindset mission over stressing the little daily tasks. I use to stress over completing a lesson plan and finishing an academic activity. Now, I strive to teach through play and to meet my mission of loving each of my three year students and their families with gentle patience.
The precious hours, more like minutes I spend with my son deepened in quantity since losing quantity. I stroke his legs when breastfeeding, and hold him longer in the morning and evenings. I count down the days for the weekend when we watch the sunrise together- him giggling As he crawls on my belly.
Worshipping Jesus most of the time brings me to tears yet I pray more intensely because I need to beg beside the Calmer of Storms. Moreover, I‘ve gained a purpose of being a living sacrifice in this hurricane season.
My sister closed her hands and took her life, I open my hands to become a bringer of life.
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