"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."
1 Peter 4:8
"We gather together to ask for the Lord's blessing" and grace as plentiful as late autumn leaves littering the ground in ember colors. For the harvest of the fruits of the holy spirit of "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control" (Galatians 5:22-23), provide much needed nutrients to feed the starving sins of indifference, sorrow, strife, impatience, meanness, roughness, unfaithfulness and impulsive reactions. The bright beautiful gift of family shines with a dark side with the mess of broken people with imperfect relationships. Thus as we gather around tables during the darker months of the year to dine and singingly celebrate the holiday season, we must silently tune into our darker emotions to truly shine sincerely bright despite any frustrations during festivities.
My husband and I recently attended a Marriage Encounter (https://wwme.org/weekend, ) which emphasized intimacy through couple dialoguing about emotions. Inspired by the process of exploring and sharing feelings, I expanded on the concept to communicate hard feelings, and encourage more emotional and intellectual connection with my spouse with the acronym F-SEES- Feeling, Situation, Experiences, Expectations, Solution.
FEELING: First state how one feels in descriptive language without blaming someone else for this emotion.
Example: I feel abandoned/ disregarded like a mountaineer stranded on Everest peak without aid or oxygen.
SITUATION: The context or conflict in which the emotional response occurred stated as a perspective on the circumstance.
Example: When we travel to a relative's house for a holiday gathering with our three young children under five, I often struggle with keeping our kids behaved and entertained in a house not designed for small humans while just wanting to relax and socialize. Meanwhiek my husband focuses on helping with cooking, cleaning, and talking with others.
EXPERIENCES: Past situations or subconsciously held beliefs that contribute to the feeling in the present circumstance, that explains why the emotion may come with extra baggage.
Example: When visiting my grandmother in Florida, my own father ignored how uncomfortable his wife and kids were staying in her own, and refused the solution of going to a hotel. He was more concerned with offending his mother rather than attending to the needs of his immediate family. Also, I've subconsciously absorbed the belief that if I try to set my own boundaries or voice my own needs as a wife/mother, I am not self-sacrificing nor a giver and therefore a selfish person.
EXPECTATIONS: Giving voice to the actual desired behavior to support your feelings and expressing the beliefs one has towards his or her partner.
Example: I expect my husband to focus on his wife and children's needs first especially over extended family or friends. Also, that my husband understand that taking care of my own needs is not selfish but a way to show up as my best self more able to give out of overflowing joy.
SOLUTION: With your partner brainstorm possible solutions to support hard feelings and allow for compromise.
Example: Choosing a realistic leave time that takes into account the exhaustion of wife and children (leaving by 8:00pm). Or if the husband desires to stay longer to adhere to his values of helping wash dishes and cleaning the home with having the bandwidth for flexibile socialization, he takes a ride back later home thus allowing his wife and children to leave earlier when worn out.
Often during such a festive time of year full of "Merry" and "Bright" messages such as "Thankfulness creates abundance", or”it’s the most wonderful time of the year” negative emotions such as frustration, sadness, or irritability creates a guilt for adhering to the stereotypes of being a "grinch" or "Scrooge". However through naming the FEELING, describing the SITUATION, relaying EXPERIENCES, stating EXPECTATIONS, and creating SOLUTIONS, you and your partner communicate hard emotions especially when spending time with extended family. So have yourself a Healing Holiday Season!
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