“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change,like shifting shadows.” James 1:17
February 2017 off the shore of a KOH (Thai for island) I sat in the bow of a small dingy quieted by the great expense of the sea touching the sky. Nothing but blue, open divinely self-shirking azure. Oh such heavenly moments, marred only by sadness of ending. In this moment, my cloudy thought: “I miss him” emerged. I missed my boyfriend Thomas, and in this moment of innocent ecstasy I realized him as my life partner. Four years later, summer of 2021 as I expand into a beach ball due to our second son arriving mid- August, I embrace the scary beautiful expanse of mothering two little boys.
A Thai saying experienced four years ago “mai pen rai” (Thai saying “all is okay”), soothes my anxious soul as the looming tidal wave of the fear of drowning in the overwhelming task of caring for an infant and toddler flows through my mind. Externally, I am relaxing into the fun routine of swimming in the pool with my toddler, reorganizing closets, and reading entertaining books (brain-candy pleasant reads). Yet, internally I wrestle with the worry waves of: a desperation to nest, awkward body changes affecting intimacy, and health decisions as we prepare for labor and delivery.
Worry waves rocking the smooth sailing of our last summer with only one son:
Need to nest: Oh how I desire to create the “perfect space” for our second son with very non-essential projects such as placing a curtain on our door, changing picture frames and adding non-slip pads to floor rugs. Also, I combat the desire to nag my poor husband to paint the new nursery, and fix the bathroom window. A sense of urgency like storm clouds of the horizon, I seek to sail into safe harbors too quickly rather than wait and watch to see how the wind blows. This pregnancy, unlike the last one, I am trying to allow my husband to captain our home, rather than frantically grabbing at the wheel.
Whale Body: The beautiful frontal load, extended by my forward uterus, feels oh so awkward. By the evening, I often seek maternity belts or compression shorts to offset the big baby bump. Oh, and our second son enjoys frequently kicking low and hard. With the novel Braxton Hicks contractions, frequent gas and leg cramps, my sexual appeal and desire lacks. For the first time in our marriage, my divinely blessed desire for intimacy decreased due to hormonal shifts and overly sensitive body parts. I still enjoy time with my husband, as my “sexy whale self.” Humor and wisdom that such bodily changes and hormonal desires shall pass like the tide gives me patience and laugher through the physical changes in this pregnancy.
Health Decisions: To vaccinate or not to vaccinate while pregnant? To interact or not to interact with others? My fortunate husband and I lived in an isolated safe bubble at home even prior to the pandemic. Now, we must emerge at least to the hospital to birth our second son and to mass as faithful Catholics. With such strong opinions and pressure to choose the COVID-19 vaccine, we seek clarity and peace as we pray for the navigation route directed by the Almighty , the Maker of the stars who every good sailor looks to find the true north, to chart the direction needed for the health and safety of our family.
The scary vast blue of water merging into the skies., an image for the expanse of becoming a mother of two. The sharp waves rocking the boat of needing to nest, awkward body changes and charting the course to deal with disease for our family, shall not shake the peaceful sea roaring: “Mai pen rai”, all is okay.”
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