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1st Year

Writer's picture: Elizabeth Couture Elizabeth Couture

“For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.”

-Psalm 30:5




My firstborn, the one who broke into my world, the one who made me a momma, turned one on March 26,2020. WOW! An onomatopoeia is all I can muster to express my emotions as we cross this threshold into toddlerhood.


Matthew Stewart Couture, his name literally means: gift from God”, “guardian”, and “fashionable clothes.” Oh, and how he has lived into his name by giving his gift of love, for God is Love, daily while wearing stylish outfits picked out by his momma!


As, I reflect on this first year as a new momma, bittersweet comes to mind. The bitter comes from painful situations, and the sweet results from my practically perfect baby. For with each bitter challenge, my sweet son restored hope in me. Matthew, conceived out of obedience to our Catholic beliefs about being “open to life” , is an exemplar of God’s perfect timing.



My bittersweet first year of motherhood addressed to my son:

THE PREGNANCY/BIRTH


The Bitter: During the time you grew in momma’s belly she replanted herself in a new school for the third year in a row. After teaching in Thailand and then in public school, she decided to root herself in a new job teaching children with dyslexia and learning differences at a private school. She hoped to sink her roots in deep, to flourish for several years nourished by high standards and good teaching practices. But at last, as her tummy grew, the soil proved too shallow for her massive trunk, so she was swiftly uprooted.


The Sweet: Now, with more ample time to calm my shaking leaves, I prepared for your arrival. I stretched,and swam (oh how you loved kicking around with me). Daddy and I painted your nursery “sleepy blue.” Drawn by the chocolate pancakes momma was eating the night you were born, you came swiftly, easily, within four hours. A gift from God for a first time birth.

THE FIRST SEVERAL MONTHS (0-4)


The Bitter: Fear entangled your momma’s heart the first several months of your life. Every little sound you made when sleeping jolted me away as I feared Sudden Infant Death Syndrome would steal my gift from God back to Him. The worries of “are you eating enough?” “Are you breathing?” “Are you developing properly?” Consumed my mind. Then, your aunt Carolyn Louise Tye, after holding you for only a handful of times, died by suicide on July 15, 2019. When Momma B called with the news, I couldn’t keep nursing you and sobbed till my heart felt it would burst!


The Sweet: You thrived despite this rookie momma! After a few weeks, you were fully sleep trained, sleeping about eight hours a night and nursing on a schedule. You napped perfectly, ate well, and by the first month could hold up your head. So strong and mostly content, crying only on occasion, you defined the concept of “an easy baby.” Throughout my sister’s funeral, the time with your grandparents, you gave such hope of life with your smiles and snuggles. Because of you I could not wallow, but pressed on carrying grief openly as I provided for you, my precious little one.


THE GROWING TIME (5-11 months)


The Bitter: In the aftermath of a difficult summer, I began another new job teaching three year olds at a private Christian preschool. I hoped for a “home away from home” for us but soon became homeless. A tidal wave of sorrows including the being so close yet so far from you, a teaching assistance who became unable to help as her battle with cancer became apparent, and the flood of parent expectations washed us away. The steady rainfall of you not napping as well, rushing through our breastfeeding time, and you crying in the car during our 30 minute commute home everyday, added to the storm. At home, a new tide of worry- how can mommy and daddy afford our home now?


The Sweet: Matthew, our little man , you grew so much! From crawling at 5 months to walking at 9 1/2 months there was nothing stopping you from getting places. You adapted so graciously to the preschool life, a true sigh of relief for your caregivers who had five other more fussy babies to appease. Then, you shifted again to at home life, charming your great aunts and uncles at Thanksgiving and Christmas feasts, and enjoying travel adventures like hiking in North Carolina mainly carried by your Aunt Christine. We found a rhythm at home of work and play, completed by my new stay-at-home job of teaching Chinese students English online. Matthew, baby, momma finally found her teaching niche! I’ve never been happier teaching students, one- on-one, in my own space at my own schedule. By your existence, you took me out of a traditional teaching classroom into a virtual one that actually allows me to focus purely on teaching!


THE BIG ONE YEAR OLD


The Bitter: No one year old celebration with our family and friends, my darling. No park playgrounds, Momma and me bible study, or library time. Not even mass. The whole world closed because of a pandemic. A highly contagious disease called COVID-19 forced our family, and many families into quarantine and social distancing. We are staying at home except to go buy groceries. Your social and adventurous momma swung from anger to sadness as she rides the seesaw of uncertainty in these uneasy times.


The Sweet: You enjoyed your first birthday, eating a homemade cupcake and video chatting with your grandparents. Too young to carry the weight of international crises, you shoulder your own domestic torments of not getting to go outside all the time in the pollen dust cloud. Stubborn and opinionated you babble protests about getting more food, or grabbing momma’s watch and cellphone. You love trotting outside, and pushing buttons on the every electronic device in our house! Little man, you wake up everyday eager to stay at home loved by your momma and daddy.


Matthew Stewart Couture, guardian of the gift of Love who wears cute outfits, you thrived despite so many challenges you don’t even comprehend yet. When you are old enough to read and understand this, and no matter what more bittersweet moments come your way remember:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

-Jeremiah 29:11



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