“The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests the heart.”Proverbs 17:3
First Corinthians 13 infamous love rant starts with “love is patient” and continues with so much more rich wisdom; yet in my current state I am stuck on “love is PATIENT.” My healing from and adjusting to the birth of my second son currently comes with an unwanted whopping heap of patience.
At three, going on four weeks since popping out our second son, I am still bleeding in the forever postpartum period (I falsely presumed the elongated period over, so I foolishly wore white shorts and no pad to bed resulting in a lovely red stain). Physically, I feel broken, lacking healing with an abundant amount of belly fat that I am impatient to start getting rid of. Not quite fully back in the game, an active and often hardworking player who cares for her husband, children, home and even fully herself, I feel so benched this season.
Emotionally, I am often grouchy and impatient especially towards my husband and toddler. Tristan, our sweet cuddle bug, sleeps and eats every four hours according to a schedule very well during the day, but at night time wakes around 3 am and struggles to settle down until the 5 am feeding. My firstborn slept through the night (from 10pm until 6 am) at around two weeks of age. The current two hours (sometimes in a row, other times on and off ) nightly crying fest really is getting to me. I even tried a night feeding at 1 am, yet he still stayed awake two hours. Many nights I spend with my hand awkwardly cranked over his bassinet trying to shove a pacifier in his mouth to soothe him or with earplugs in trying the seemingly cruel “cry it out method”. Wicked three am thoughts such as, “I don’t want a baby” and “can I go back to just being a mom of a sleep-through - the-night two year old?” enter my frustrated mind. Such dark thoughts flee in the sunlight as I gaze at his blue eyes and chubby cheeks and I remember how much I love our squeaky, cuddly littlest man.
I feel so petty and spoiled complaining about having a healthy almost month year old baby, easily conceived and birthed, who sleeps almost five hours straight through the night. Also, I enjoy the luxury of having such great support of a husband who works from home and my very helpful mother who lives close by. This sleep deprivation existence, though cumbersome should not deprive me of joy and steal peace. Yet, my often honest desire is to fast forward through newborn and baby stage to the season of active and independent toddler boys. Those who love the newborn stage, to me are rare patient souls like those who love teaching preschool (I prefer the sass and independence of third, fourth and fifth graders). Regardless, here I impatiently wait to heal, to sleep, and for my second son to grow into his own little self. So instead of bitterness and complaint, I chose peace and patience to be refined in me. Like silver and gold perfected by fire, caring for a baby and two year old shall expand my heart into a more patient and grace-filled mother.
“This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.”
Deuteronomy 30:19
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