“Why did I marry such a know-it-all grumpy misanthrope?” Negative thoughts clouded my mind as I silently steamed over his exasperated rant about how I keep rearranging the tools on our kitchen counter without consulting him and how I always fail to communicate. Yes, warranted accusations towards his pieces wife who enjoys shifting furniture and decorations like water without asking permission. As I continued my attempt to bite my tongue angry thoughts loomed, “why doesn’t he ask me about my day? Does he just prefer me silent sullen the complete opposite of my bubbly and talkative personality?” So my sinful mind dreamt about being single, finding love again with someone more similar. Thomas and I are opposites, he a logical, sarcastic and introverted man while I am an emotional, sensitive, and extraverted woman. We deeply on our principals of faith, family, frugality, hardworking, humility, and caring for others (not to mention we make cute babies, objectively speaking). Yet, the challenges over the last two years of our covenant union including the birth of our son, job transitions, death of grandparents and my sister; as well as the pandemic which prevented time with our supportive friends, pushed us apart. My negative mind worries, “Will we stay married?” And my husband jokes about Matthew becoming a priest to avoid the craziness of marriage saying, “Your mom is killing me slowly” (which might be literally due to his high blood pressure induced by stress). As a fairly recently married women, I honestly understand why 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, the Enemy hates sacraments. Since our union occurred as a sacrament, ordained and upheld my God, I surrendered to Him petitioning to hold our impatient and selfish hearts together. The first step: stripping all thoughts and notions of divorce as a lying thought. The next learning from the word of God: the Holy Spirit opened my heart to interpret a parable of Jesus I knew but yet not really contemplated before.
Jesus told his disciples this parable:
“The Kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins
who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom.
Five of them were foolish and five were wise.
The foolish ones, when taking their lamps,
brought no oil with them,
but the wise brought flasks of oil with their lamps.
Since the bridegroom was long delayed,
they all became drowsy and fell asleep.
At midnight, there was a cry,
‘Behold, the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’
Then all those virgins got up and trimmed their lamps.
The foolish ones said to the wise,
‘Give us some of your oil,
for our lamps are going out.’
But the wise ones replied,
‘No, for there may not be enough for us and you.
Go instead to the merchants and buy some for yourselves.’
While they went off to buy it,
the bridegroom came
and those who were ready went into the wedding feast with him.
Then the door was locked.
Afterwards the other virgins came and said,
‘Lord, Lord, open the door for us!’
But he said in reply,
‘Amen, I say to you, I do not know you.’
Therefore, stay awake,
for you know neither the day nor the hour.”
-Matthew 25:1-13
The parable mentions a bridegroom so marriage serves as a metaphor for waiting for Judgement Day. How does this connect to marital harmony? I related myself to the waiting virgins and my marriage to a lit lamp filled with oil. The precious lamp of marriage lit by a priest witnessed by God, begun with intimate oil. Yet, the night of life is so long that the oil wanes, if I forget the easy task of bringing more oil, the emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy which fuels a marriage. And I’ve lately lacked the wisdom to remember the oil , distracted by my online teaching job, housework and our climbing toddler whose decided up in the air yields better views than safe and stable worry- free ground. Yet, I never forget to eat, prayer or exercise to care for my own health, so intently connection with my husband must make my priority list (after all what’s more romantic than a to-do list?!). Fortunately, I’ve experimented with a solution I’ve dubbed: focused fifteen. On nights after we put Matthew down for bed at 9:00pm I approach Thomas with , “fifteen minutes?” Then we sit down together, sometimes pray and often complete a crossword puzzle. A brief moment lacking duties or even much discussion, just unwinding enjoyment. Now, we also spend Saturday nights doing movie nights after weekend family fun days (park playing mostly); as well as attend Mass together (at home or in person). However, these daily tidbits of focused fifteen gave me the little drops of oil needed to fuel my affection for him. The day after a focused fifteen, I experienced more patience and less defensiveness when he brings up little grievances about our home life. Thus I am renewed to seek a daily discipline of adding a little oil because a lamp lacking light, simply is an empty jar.
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