I am enraptured by blue- my all time favorite color. The open azure sky to the rich turquiose of restless waves inspire freedom and fear in me. My beautiful three week year old baby boy of course inherited my blue eyes. And I of course, am captivated (in both meanings of the world). Like the complicated emotions stirred by the color blue, now as my new reality sinks in I reflect on my baby blues.
CONFESSION: I wanted to have the first year of my marriage be childless so that my husband and I could focus on each other. Now, postpatrum my husband and I can’t have sex until I heal. Plus as a breastfeeding Catholic momma practicing Natural Family Planning I am concerned about becoming pregnant again especially with an out of whack period.
BLESSING: My husband and I can conceive so easily and not have years of struggling with infertility. Plus an easy pregnancy and delivery yielded a healthy baby boy without the heartbreak of a miscarriage or a baby with medicial complications. As I watch my hubby love on our son, my desire for him increases. That I even have sexual urges postpatrum (not always the case) is a gift!
CONFESSION: I lost my job three weeks prior to taking maternity leave. And although the letting go had “nothing to do with my pregnancy”, I felt like becoming pregnant interferred with my ability to teach well. Now, kind of resent that I have to job hunt again for the third year in a row.
BLESSING: As a self-proclaimed work-a-holic, my postpatrum mind wants nothing but boundaries. Now, I am embracing the ability to work hard yet still let my job stop so I can focus on my family rather than being all consumed by my teaching job. Plus I have an increased passion for teaching God’s littlest ones which is why I am pursuing a preschool for my son and I to attend.
CONFESSION: Not even a year ago, I was an adventurous and gorgeous bride who loved traveling, exercising and socializing. Now I am a homebody with a body so stretched, blotched and fat I hardly recognize myself, and a child who cries, spits up and poops on me regularly.
BLESSING: I am learning to love the slowed down pace of staying home with my son- embracing afternoon naps and cuddles and the ability to take my time breastfeeding him. This is just a season and I look forward to taking my little buddy on adventures as he gets a little bigger for this big ole world. Plus with super supportive family and friends to visit and talk with me, my social needs are feeling slightly satisfied. By breastfeeding, I’ve lost a lot of weight and I am starting to feel like my own self again. That young bride may be gone but I feel a fierce strong new-mom beauty that still attracts my husband. And my sons funny faces, cute noises, and baby blue eyes looking intently at light fascinates me like a pristine painting- precious, original, divinely signed.
Singing the baby blues: Though I can count my blessings, this new mom status takes a toll on me- physically, emotionally, and mentally. So much change this past year brought up my previous anxiety so I am seeking counseling as a place to process my experiences and combat intrusive thoughts like the fear of mentally breaking down and harming my baby boy (Thank you to the movie Shudder Island for putting that irrational fear in my mind- horror movies suck!).
Postpatrum mommas, do not feel guilty about resentment towards your newborn who has
changed your lifestyle, your body and your relationships. It doesn’t mean you don‘t love your child or that you are a bad mother. It just means you are captivated by your child- literally restrained but absolutely and irrefutably enamored . So confess your struggles and count your blessings openingly!
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